JUST SOME THOUGHTS

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!"

I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?"

--Larry Miller

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?

-- Marilyn Pittman

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

-- Robin Williams

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together.

Solution??

I sent them to her dad.

-- Christopher Case

Relationships are hard.

It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one.

If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.

There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.

-- Bob Ettinger

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.

I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."

--Paula Poundstone

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men.

All I want to say to the authors of that study is: "Duh."

--Conan O'Brien

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?

I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

--Sue Murphy

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends.

If they're okay, then it's you.

--Rita Mae Brown

The Swiss had three hundred years without a war.

Pretty impressive.

Also pretty lucky for them.

Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with?

Not much of a weapon there.

Corkscrew.

Bottle opener.

"Come on, buddy, let's go.

You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon.

Backoff.

I've got the toe clippers right here."

--Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??

I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize,

Oh my God....

I could be eating a slow learner.

--Lynda Montgomery

I think that's how Chicago got started.

A bunch of people in New York said,

"Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.

Let's go west."

--Richard Jeni

If life was fair,

Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

--Johnny Carson

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.

-- Paul Rodriguez

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

-- Lily Tomlin

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

--Jerry Seinfeld

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.

What is the logic?

Do tall people burn slower?

-- Warren Hutcherson

Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit.

That's why you should never date a baseball player.

--Marsha Warfield

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.

That may be.

But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals.

We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

--Jeff Stilson

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

--Lily Tomlin

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: "This looks much better on."

On what?

On fire?

-- Marsha Warfield

Have you ever noticed....

Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

-- George Carlin

You have to stay in shape.

My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60.

She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

--Ellen DeGeneres

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.

They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

--Rita Rudner

I'm not into working out.

My philosophy: No pain, no pain!

--Carol Leifer

I have a great diet.

You're allowed to eat anything you want,

but you must eat it with naked fat people.

--Ed Bluestone

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.

By the second day you're off it.

--Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."

The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

-- Jay Leno

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

--Roger Simon

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

--George Gobel

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.

Donate it to the Salvation Army instead.

They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.

Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents.

--William Coronel

Bigamy is having one wife too many.

Monogamy is the same.

--Oscar Wilde

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals;

I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

--A. Whitney Brown

Suppose you were an idiot...

And suppose you were a member of Congress...

But I repeat myself.

--Mark Twain

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.

At least they can find Kuwait.

--A. Whitney Brown

Maybe there is no actual place called hell.

Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

--Jim Carrey

And last, but the best of the lot!!

HOMELESS, BUT NOT WITHOUT RESOURCES

If the mayor of San Francisco had his way, the next time a street beggar asks, "Hey, Buddy.

Can you spare some change?"

Citizens may not be able to slink away claiming they don't have any.

An advocate for the homeless in that city has proposed a plan to make begging in the street more efficient.

He wants the city's homeless people to be given credit card readers so that they can accept donations from passers-by who have no ready cash.

The program is "an innovative plan, which empowers homeless persons to take responsible action for their lives," said an enthusiastic Mayor Willie Brown--although he didn't explain exactly how the program does so.

According to The Almanac for Farmers and City Folk Millennium Edition

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Quote

Why are men like public toilets?

The good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit.

Justin Illusion...