WINDERS 98

Dear Consumers:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION may have inadvertently been shipped outside the South.

If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands.

The Southern Edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads "WINDERS 98" with background art depicting Gen. Robert E. Lee superimposed over a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazzard screen saver.

Please also note:

"The Recycle Bin" is labeled "Outhouse"

"My Computer" is called "This Dern Contraption"

"Dial-Up Networking" is called "Good Ol' Boys"

"Control Panel" is known as "The Dashboard"

"Hard Drive" is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"

"Floppies" are "Them little ol' plastic disc thangs"

Instead of an error message, a picture of a garbage bag and a roll of duct tape pops up.

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION:

OK: ats aw-right

Cancel: piss on it

Reset: try er agin

Yes: yep

No: noop

Find: hunt fer it

Go to: over yonder

Back: back yonder

Help: hep me out here

Stop: kwitit

Start: crank er up

Settings: sittins

Programs: stuff at duz stuff

Documents: stuff I done did

Also note that SOUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

PROGRAMS EXCLUSIVE TO WINDERS 98:

tiperiter: a word processing program

colerin book: a graphics program

cyferin mersheen: calculator

outhouse paper: notepad

jupe-box: CD player

iner-net: Microsoft Explorer 4.0

pichers: a graphics viewer

irs: MS accounting software

irs2: MS accounting software with hidden files

tax records: generally an empty file

coon dawg: American Kennel Club records

You'll also recognize WINDERS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION as it comes preloaded with certain "Favorites" for browsing the Worldwide Web:

Fish: Bass Anglers Sportsman Society

NRA: National Rifle Association

Shotgun: Remington Arms home page

Riffel: Winchester home page

Pisstul: Smith & Wesson home page

Truck: Ford & Chevy dealers by zip code

House: Mobile home repair services and movers by zip code

Cuzzins: Complete database of southern residents

Bud: List of Budweiser distributors by zip code

Rasin: NASCAR racing schedule w/TV stations carrying races

Car 'n Truck Repair: Junk yards by zip code

Doc: Veterinarians by zip code

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the SOUTHERN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. I hope this helps y'all.

Billy Bob Gates

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Quote

What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs!!!

Justin Illusion...