RELIGION LESSON

(This one should pretty much offend everyone that's offensible.)

I don't care WHO you are, quit walking on the water while I'm fishing!

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.

Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you'd make a nice sandwich.

Why settle for the lesser of two evils?

Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...

A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods.

I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things; right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die!

He says gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at.
--Terry Pratchett, "Small Gods"

And it came to pass that in the hands of the ignorant, the words of the Bible were used to beat plowshares into swords. --Alan Wilson Watts

Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much.
-- G.K. Chesterton

I am ready to meet my maker. Whether or not my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. -- Winston Churchill

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case Heaven is like the IRS.

Adam to Eve: "I'll wear the plants in this family!"

And on the 8th day God said, "OK, Murphy, you take over."

Birth, life, death. Repeat as necessary.

I disbelieved in reincarnation in my last life, too.

Freedom *OF* religion includes freedom *FROM* religion.

Give me some of that old-time Religion...HAIL ZEUS!

In a crisis call for Isis!

In the name of the Old Man, The Kid, and the Spook, Amen.

Heavenly Basketball: Jesus Saves...Passes to Moses. Shoots...He SCORES!

That was Zen. This is Tao.

Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said, "Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out."

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

If organized religion is the opium of the masses, then disorganized religion is the marijuana of the lunatic fringe. --Malaclypse the Younger

If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajita's, cause that's what he's getting tonight.

Jesus Saves! By using double coupons and shopping wisely.

Confession without repentance is just bragging. --Rev.Eugene Bolton

Do I believe in the Bible? Hell, man, I've seen one!

Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.

Go thou and sin more creatively next time.

Sorry I missed church, I've been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.

Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little, just to be funny.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

"I don't question YOUR existence." --God

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Quote

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them...

...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Justin Illusion...