FOURTEEN WAYS TO HAVE V-DAY FUN

14. Send sympathy cards to everyone you know who claims to be "in love."

13. Set fire to all the greeting card shops you can find.

12. Boycott all cybercard sites.

11. Remind everyone you know who claims to be "in love" that all the Saint Valentines were martyrs.

10. Remind everyone you know who claims to be "in love" that all the Saint Valentines were tortured, abused, persecuted and/or beheaded.

9. Remind everyone you know who claims to be "in love" that the behavior of the Saint Valentines (participating in all that torture and abuse, etc.) indicates sado-masochistic tendencies.

8. If your sappy-eyed friends aren't interested in the history of all the Saint Valentines, drop Al Capone's name.

7. Walk up to couples who are obviously in love, focus on one of them (same sex works best) and exclaim, "I confirmed our reservation at the motel for later tonight" or "I found your underwear under the sofa." Be creative. Use your imagination.

6. Remind everyone you know who claims to be "in love" that Valentine's Day may also have its origins in the Roman festival Lupercalia, a celebration intended to ensure fertility and easy child delivery.

5. Remind everyone you know who claims to be "in love" that "Cupid" rhymes with "Stupid."

4. Play "Love Stinks" over and over on your stereo at full volume. Alternate with tunes like "Love Hurts" and "I Hate Myself for Loving You" if you want some variety.

3. Wear black.

2. Start a petition to have all love songs banned from radio and television.

AND, LAST BUT NOT LEAST, THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO NOT CELEBRATE V-DAY:

1. On Valentine's Day, go bar-hopping. Steal the date of the sappiest-eyed person in the bar and take your prize to a sleazy, cheap motel for a celebratory one-night stand.

Happy Valentine's Day from RopesEnd.com ;-)

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