LOVE IN AN ELEVATOR

In honor of Valentine's Day, RopesEnd is proud to make the following suggestions for putting the skids to romance when you end up on an elevator with a bunch of soppy-eyed romantics.

1. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to the lovers.

2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, damn it, all of you just SHUT UP!"

3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

4. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

5. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

6. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

7. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

8. Lean over to a smooching couple and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

9. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

10. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

11. Stare, grinning, at the most loving couple for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

12. When at least 8 people, preferably four soppy-eyed couples, have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

13. Meow occasionally.

14. Bet the most romantic couple you can fit a quarter in your nose.

15. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say "Oops!"

16. Show the most romantic couple a wound and ask if it looks infected.

17. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

18. Walk on with a cooler that says "HUMAN HEAD" on the side.

19. Stare at the soppy-eyed couples for a while, then select one victim and announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

20. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"

21. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to the most love-stricken person "through" it.

22. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask the couple in the deepest smooch, "Is that your beeper?"

23. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

24. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

25. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

26. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

27. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask the most love-stricken passenger: "Wanna see what's in muh mouf?"

28. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

29. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

30. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at kissing couples.

Happy Valentine's Day from RopesEnd.com ;-)

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