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LOST IN TRANSLATION IN JAPAN

Butchered English in Japan is known as "Engrish," or sometimes "Japlish." Here's quite a few really funny examples; a lot of the old classics plus many, many new ones.

Kinki Nippon, Japan's second-largest tourist agency, was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. When they found out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

There's a beauty shop near Chuo Rinkan station in Japan called:

"Beauty Brain's Fantastic Fannie."

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:

"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."

"Tootling with vigor" is evidently a popular past-time in Japan. The owner's manual of a Japanese motorcycle recommends:

"HORN-BUTTON: tootle horn melodiously at the dog who shall sport in roadway. If he continue, tootle him with vigor."

A sign in the backseat of some Shibuya taxis reads: "Please fasten seatbelt to prepare for crash."

In Tokyo, a traffic sign on a bridge reads: "Cars will not have Intercourse on this Bridge."

Another Tokyo traffic sign warns: "Try Bigger and Bigger but keep More and More Slowly."

Boxes of ChocoBouchees, a chocolate dessert cake sold in Japan, carry this catchy phrase:

"Confidence of creating deliciousness. This tastiness can not be carried even by both hands."

A road detour sign in Kyushi, Japan cautioned drivers to: "Stop: Drive Sideways."

Japanese stationary manufacturers love to put romantic English sayings on their products. A few of the better ones include:

"Flower Pussy" (with pictures of flowers and kittens)

"Sweet Cherry Make Everybody Happy"

"The Cherry Paradise, This is a Rare Gift from God"

In Japan, a style of music known as noisepunk is popular. Many of these bands have given themselves English names:

The Infinite Radical Freaks

Colored Ricemen

Sound Masturbation

Bathtub Shitters

Flying Testicle

Congenital Haemmhoroids

Defiance of Shit Bastards

Goddamn Motherfuck Shitass Bitches

In a Japanese hotel, an information booklet instructs patrons on the use of hotel air conditioning:

"Cooles and heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."

A sign in a Japanese hotel reads: "Sports jackets may be worn but no trousers."

A hotel guest directory in Japan reads:

"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

One Tokyo hotel has very explicit rules:

"Guests are requested not to smoke and do other disgusting behaviors in bed."

Another Japanese hotel wants its guests to know what to do in case of fire. A sign on a panel behind the main door reads:

"In case of fire, try to use the fire ex-ting wisher."

This rule was seen posted in a Japanese hotel:

"Depositing the room key into another person is prohibited."

Another Tokyo hotel reminds its guests that it "Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis." [sic]

Yet another Japanese hotel quite clearly instructs its guests:

"Please to bathe inside the tub."

A bar in Tokyo advertises that it offers "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."

Evidently the Tokyo bar that serves "special cocktails for the ladies with nuts" doesn't serve chocolate at the same time. A peanut-packed chocolate bar targeted at Japanese teenagers needing energy while cramming for exams ran headlong into a belief that eating peanuts and chocolate causes nosebleeds.

A Tokyo shop advertises that "Our nylons cost more than common, but you will find they are best in the long run."

A slogan on a Japanese shopping bag reads:

"Now baby. Tonight I am feeling cool and hard boiled."

When 3M translated its Scotch tape slogan "Sticks like crazy" into Japanese they came up with a sticky problem. Literally translated, in Japanese their slogan meant: "It sticks foolishly."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," when translated into Japanese, became "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

The name of one of Ford's cars on the Japanese market, the Cortina, translated into "jalopy."

A medical questionnaire found in Japan asks patients to answer the following questions:

"Are you haunted by horribles?"

"Do you ever run after your nose?"

"Does your nose choke?"

"Does your head or face or shoulder ever limp?"

"Has any part of your body suddenly grown uncontrollable?"

An advisory booklet for expectant mothers from the Public Health Center in Joetsu City in Niigata Prefecture reads:

1. Strain yourself or push at the time of contraction and two hours later a baby will come out.

2. A swell will be checked if there is, by pushing shin.

3. If your weight gains rapidly, it is a sign of swell or fatness.

4. If you pick up around your nipple come out 1 cm high, and it'll be alright.

5. You'd better begin your sexual intercourse after the delivery after the one mouth check-up with a doctor.

6. If you want to do a vowel movement don't stop.

7. After you vomit, you rinse your mouse and if you can eat, eat.

8. You can do ãfoo, fooä naturally when you open your mouth slightly.

9. Brasure can be for maternity one or nursing bra, so that your breast can't be oppressed.

10. There are many differences of ideas in family but she felt family bondage after delivery as a wife.

A Japanese newspaper article reported that "Four people were killed, one seriously, and eight more received slight injuries."

The label on an orange punch drink in Japan reads: "This light and smooth taste drink is the best refreshment to you. Anytime, anywhere, just like your friend."

A Japanese orange juice claims that drinking its product is "Just like feeling a fruit in justseason itself."

Japanese soft drink Pocari Sweat's label claims that it "is highly recommended as a beverage for such activities as sports, physical labor, after a hot bath, and even as a eye-opener in the morning."

In Kyoto, during the Gulf War, a brand of cola called "Desert Storm" was sold. Its slogan:

"New Carbonated beverage for active people with fighting spirit."

Coca-Coca not only had problems in China, it had some in Japan, too. On old cans of Coke, the following slogan appeared:

"I feel Coke & Sound Special."

The label on Sapporo Drafty Beer reads:

"What are your priorities? Favor? Refreshment? Price? Sparkle? Sapporo Drafty has them all."

Japanese Sapporo brand Drafty Black Beer's label reads:

"Richly aromatic flavor is yours for the asking in this refreshing black taste treat from Sapporo."

The label on Japanese UCC "Drink it Black" coffee boasts that their product is unique:

"Black coffee has great features which other coffees have never had: Non-sugar."

The Japanese UCC Mocha Blend Coffee label announces: "This coffee has the smooth and harmonious taste with full of aroma."

The packages of Kasugai Brand Fruit Gummy snacks read:

"The gorgeous taste of fully ripened pineapple, imposing as a southern island king crowned in glory, is yours to enjoy in every soft and juice Kasugai Pineapple Gummy.

Its translucent color so alluring and taste and aroma so gentle and mellow offer admiring feelings of a graceful lady. Enjoy soft and juicy Kasugai Muscat Gummy."

A bottle of shampoo sold in Japan warns:

"Use repeatedly for severe damage."

The instructions on a Japanese product sold to relieve hemorrhoids state:

"Lie down on bed and insert POSCOOL slowly up to the projected portion like a sword-guard into anal duct. While inserting POSCOOL for approximately 5 minutes, keep quiet."

When MacArthur was considering running for President, a sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo read:

"We pray for MacArthur's erection."

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