SILLY SIGNS

RopesEnd has scoured the four corners of the universe to bring you the best and brightest in silly signs seen around the world! Most were spotted in English-speaking countries; however, it's obvious that the people who wrote them didn't have a clue.

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Silly Signs Spotted at Hotels and Restaurants in England:

In a Blackpool guest house: Hot and cold running in all rooms.

In a cafe window: Waitresses required for breakfast.

A Chinese restaurant recommends: If you are satisfactory please tell your friends. If you are not satisfactory please tell the waiter.

A pizza parlor in London posts its hours: Open 24 hours - except 2 a.m. - 8 a.m.

A tea shop offers: Today's special. Pot of tea with stones and jam, 1.00.

A Keighley restaurant announces: From Monday our catering assistants will be pleased to serve customers to the vegetables.

One restaurant advises: Customers who find our waiting staff rude should see the manager.

Another restaurant cautions: Our cutlery is not medicine so please do not take it after meals.

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Silly Signs Spotted at Shops and Stores:

A butcher's shop guarantees: These scales are accurate no two weighs about it.

A shop selling primarily calculators and computers claims: You can always count on us.

A car dealer's policy made clear: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

A chemist's shop ensures: We dispense with accuracy.

At Christmas-time an American department store invites customers to: Visit Santa's grotto. No waiting - we're the only store in New York with three Santas.

A London department store boasts: Bargain basement upstairs.

Spotted hanging in a dress shop window: Don't stand outside and faint - come in and have a fit.

Seen in a fabric shop window: Repairs and alterations done here. Dying arranged.

An electrical shop asks: Why smash your plates washing up? Let one of our dishwashers do it for you.

Another electrical shop asks: Why go elsewhere to be cheated when you can come in here!

A furniture shop proudly proclaims its motto: We promise you the lowest prices and workmanship.

Invite at a garden center: Up these steps for the sunken garden.

A grocery store promotion: Try our local butter. Nobody can touch it.

Hanging in a health food shop window: Closed due to illness.

A jeweller's shop advertises: Ears pierced while you wait.

One pet shop claims: Birds going cheep!

Another pet shop warns: No dogs allowed.

A unique secondhand shop insists: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

A Norfolk village shop posts its hours: Half-day closing all day Wednesday.

The rules at an exclusive boutique: No children aloud.

A picture shop advertisement: Let us put you in the picture and frame you.

Seen in a watch shop: Please wait patiently to be served. I only have two hands.

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Silly Signs Offering Various Services and Such:

Patel Brothers Builders in Portsmouth says: You've tried the Cowboys, now try the Indians!

A dry cleaner offers express service: Same day dry cleaning - all garments ready in 48 hours.

Another dry cleaner warns customers: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

Instructions posted at a laundromat: Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

A funeral home advises: Drive carefully, we'll wait.

A funeral home in America advertises: Oscar's Funeral Parlour - where you'll always find a smile.

At a gas station: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.

A hairdresser needs help: Stylist wanted. Good pay and fringe benefits.

A clever optometrist says: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

In the window of a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.

A repair shop instills confidence with a notice hanging on its door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.)

A travel agency asks: Why don't you go away?

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Silly Signs for the Public Good:

A notice at a fire station: Fire Station - No Smoking.

Posted on the front door of a private home: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

Rules posted in a London park: No walking, sitting or playing on the grass in this pleasure park.

A message on a leaflet reads: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

A warning on a newly painted bench says: Wet paint. Watch it or wear it.

Quicksand warning: Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

Seen at a railway station: Passengers are asked not to cross the lines - it takes ages for us to uncross them again.

Seen alongside a Sussex road: Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

A road sign gives directions to Steeple Bumstead: Left 3 miles - Right 3 miles - Straight ahead 3 miles.

Another road sign guides drivers to the Fairy Glen: Turn right for the Fairy Glen. Beware of heavy lorries.

A traffic sign warns: Parking restricted to 60 minutes in any hour.

A notice posted outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.

A notice sent to all residents of Wiltshire parish read: Due to increasing problems with litter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.

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Silly Signs for Work and Play:

A circus poster read: Biffo Brothers' Circus, featuring Marvo, the Strongest Man in the World. In town all weak.

Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Outside a disco: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.

Absence policy for a factory in Coventry: Any member of staff who needs to take the day off to go to a funeral must warn the foreman on the morning of the match.

A garden club announcement: Baby show. All entries to be handed in at the gate.

A golf club caution: Golfers please do not drink and drive.

Tennis club rules: Would spectators please be quiet during matches and let the players raise a racquet.

Seen in a restroom in a London office block: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

Another office block notice: Lift out of order. Please use elevator.

Unusual office policy: After teabreak staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

The people at this office want their stuff back: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

A safari park warns: Elephants please stay in your car.

The rules at the zoo: Children found straying will be sent to the lion enclosure.

Another zoo policy: Please do not feed the elephants. If you have any peanuts or buns give them to the keeper on duty.

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Silly Signs for Life on the Farm:

A warning posted on a farm gate: Dogs found worrying will be shot.

A warning posted on a farm gate near Norfolk: Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left.

A notice near another farm gate: Cattle please close gate.

This farmer advertises: Horse manure: 50p per pre-packed bag, 20p do-it-yourself.

This farmer sells BYOB only: Manure for sale. Bring your own bucket.

Posted near a farmer's field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

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Silly Signs for Church Goin':

Seen hanging on a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter Ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draught. Please use side door.)

A notice in a church hall read: Electrical specialist will be here on Thursday morning to show parishioners how to wire plugs and make small repairs. Followed by a light lunch.

A church in Hemel Hempstead announces: The last world war. Where and when will it be fought? St. Margaret's, Hartford Street on Tuesday 22nd February at 7:00 p.m.

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Silly Signs for Academia:

Seen at a college: This week's lecture: Underwater Life by Peter Fish.

Seen outside Wessex Hall at Reading University: "We sex all."

A dancing academy warns students: Please mind the steps.

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